ADOPTION: simultaneous enquiries
1 January 2010
It sometimes happens that an adopted adult and a birth relative contact us around the same time, as if some unconscious process is happening.
It sometimes happens that an adopted adult and a birth relative contact us around the same time, as if some unconscious process is happening. Whilst this can be a great relief to each party, in that they then know that the other person is open to hearing about them, it can also mean that being in touch happens too quickly, before people have time to adjust.
Diane contacted us when she was 27. She had been placed for adoption soon after her birth. She has an older adoptive brother who is already in touch with his birth family, and in a way this encouraged Diane to pursue her own enquiries.
3 months earlier Diane's birth mother had contacted us. She had been to see one of the team to talk about what she hoped for, which was to know that her child was alive and well. Mary had never married and had no more children. She was realistic in accepting that Diane had had another life which she was not part of, and understood that Diane would probably not be looking for another parent.
When we met Diane she seemed very pleased to learn more information about her background and birth family, and the circumstances of her adoption. She was delighted to hear that Mary had already been in touch as this took the risk or rejection away, and she wanted to be in touch with Mary as soon as possible. They began a correspondence via the post adoption worker, but there were often long gaps in communication, which sometimes caused anxiety on both sides , and a fear of not being able to ‘get it right'.
Ultimately we advised an agreed break in communication so that both had a chance to absorb the new information. A year later contact resumed and they are now building towards a meeting.
While this is a true account, dates, names, and any identifying information have been changed to preserve confidentiality.